‘Just a guy who found his smile back.’ Thoughts on World Mental Health Day.

I treasure each smile

The picture above is from this morning. The smile on my face was at the prospect of having what turned out to be one of the nicest south Indian breakfasts that I have had in Mumbai. A Tamilian one. Sent by Meena who is a home chef who operates Perima’s Kitchen. 

This post is not about how soft the idlis were or how flavoursome the rasam vada was or how easy it was to make the filter kaapi that she had sent and how robust it was. About how I decided to order a couple of plates for a friend after trying it. Or how a reader kindly pointed out that the bowls should have been placed on the broader side of the banana leaf. That can wait for another day.

This post is about the smile that you see on my face and how much I treasure it. 

A thought that struck me when I saw the posts on social media around #worldmentalhealthday today. 

For there was a time when this smile had gone out of my life. It was as if I had forgotten how to smile for a period of close to a year.

This happened roughly 9 years back. 2011-12 or so. I was in between careers. Trying to say goodbye to my career in market research. The time to move on had come. 

Was that when I tried my hand at being a writer, you ask?

Nope. I did not know what to do at that point. With my life. Or even the day I would wake up to. Forget wanting to be a writer!

Work was the centre of my life. As it probably is for most in my generation. Especially for men. Blame it on social conditioning. I missed the routine of my earlier life. Having my day charted out for me.

What was meant to be a sabbatical, seemed to turn into a bottomless abyss. 

That sucked the life out of me. And the smile. 

I had even stopped blogging then. Possibly for the only time since I began writing. Listlessly waiting for each day to pass. For the uncertainty of the next day to begin.

Thankfully I was not alone. I had the support of my wife. The assurance of family. Friends who looked out for me. Some new, made through the blog. Some from my past life at work.  Some seniors and stalwarts in the field I moved into eventually, food writing. They had faith in me, when I had none. I owe them so much.

Then came the turnaround. Buoyed by a mix of seeking medical help and of finding faith and a philosophy to be base my life on. 

I finally found a sense of purpose in life and that translated into my writing – of creating a space that connects people from diverse worlds, celebrates everyday life, spreads joy and hope. 

The antitheses of the dark world I had found myself in and was now trying to pull myself out of. 

I began to blog again. I have not stopped since.

I found my new calling in food writing. With some dramatic wins that followed.

I had my shares of disappointments. Anxious moments. Frustrating ones. Of goals I did not meet. Still have not. 

That is life as I learnt to accept.

Then came the pandemic and the last seven months of being at home. With no routine at work. And very little commissioned work.

Yet, on most days I have been able to stay afloat or pull myself up. Create work for myself. Push myself to write. Hopefully bring a smile to you in the process.

It was as if all the years in between were to prepare me for this period. The years of trying to find purpose and to work on it. To build faith and to not give up on oneself, no matter what the external situation is. 

To realise that there is so much that one has to be thankful for even at a time like this. To try to use the opportunity to grow and breach new frontiers. Built solidly on a sense of purpose. To have hope and to spread hope.

Here is what I keep telling myself:

Do not give up on yourself. You have the power to change things. Do not be hard on yourself. There are people who care about you. Take each day at a time. Do not worry about what you could not achieve today. Think of what you can tomorrow. Do not think that you are alone in this. Those whom you consider to be the most successful, powerful or even happiest have their own demons. 

Forgive me if I have rambled on. Or seemed to have pontificated. Or have left your doubts unaddressed. 

I do want to share two things with you.

Firstly, what a doctor visiting a yoga camp had once told me, “find yourself a philosophy to base your life on. Any philosophy. It will help you on the long run.”

I had felt sceptical then. A few month’s later realised the wisdom in her words when I found the philosophy I have based my life on. 

Secondly, please accept the fact that in same cases you might need medical help just as you would with a toothache or a stomach bug. Consult a doctor rather than go by what you read or hear others say. No two people are the same. Be patient when you do so and do not judge yourself.

I am no expert qualified to give advice. No super achiever whom you should base your life on and let me be very clear, I am not fishing for compliments. I know how lucky I am.

I am just a guy who found his smile back. And feels very grateful for that.

Can you see the smile